Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
