I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
