I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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