I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
