Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
