I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
