That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
this beer tastes like vomit already
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
