You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
