Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
