It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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