is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
