Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
