Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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