FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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