Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
