my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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