Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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