Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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