why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
