I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
