I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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