I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
