I accidentally had phone sex last night
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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