Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
