I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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