Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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