I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
