And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Is Oprah even human
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
