After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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