Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
