My underwear smells like fireworks.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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