I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
