when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
