im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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