I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
