I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
