Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Please don't give away my fajitas
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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