Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
