i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
