if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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