Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Operation Purity has been aborted
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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