if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
