She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
