I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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