Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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