I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
