Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
