hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
