Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
