Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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