So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
