In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
