Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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