I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
