I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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