You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
