if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
