halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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